Pepper Spray & Flamingoes
As you may have surmised, I like to collect bizarre news items involving casinos that I can then turn around and lampoon in this space. Here’s one I’ve been hanging onto a couple of months, if only because chickens are involved.
Well, fried ones, anyway.
It seems a woman in Alabama pulled up to the drive-thru at Chick-fil-A and robbed the place. According to AL.com, she was armed with pepper spray. The clerk handed over an unspecified amount of cash in a money bag. The robber took off, and made her getaway to the Wind Creek casino in nearby Wetumpka.
It didn’t take long for police to track her there, where she sat, “presumably gambling with Chick-fil-A’s currency,” said Leeds Police Chief Paul Irwin.
The woman wasn’t going down without a fight. When police approached her, she bolted and led police on a wild high-speed chase. The chase was brief, since she crashed into multiple trees along the way. She was booked on charges of attempting to elude, possession of a controlled substance, resisting arrest, and unlawful possession of drug paraphernalia.
As you might guess, I have multiple questions concerning this news item. First and foremost, I’ve got to question the choice of robbery target. I’m trying to imagine the woman’s list:
• Banks
• Gas Stations
• Liquor Stores
• Chick-fil-A
Who robs Chick-fil-A? And if you’ve made the decision to take that leap, would it kill you to get out of the car and walk inside? This woman pulled up to the drive-thru. And the weapon of choice was not a gun, but a can of pepper spray.
But hey, it worked. Never mind guns. A chicken-joint employee making minimum wage isn’t going to risk getting an eye burned.
Incidentally, do you think she ordered any chicken? I just love those Chick-n-Strips and waffle fries. But I digress.
Of course, any good thief knows that after pulling off a brazen robbery, it’s probably a good idea to lay low. As in, bathed in the light of surveillance cameras in a local casino.
Finally, look at the list a few paragraphs back of offenses they charged her with. Anything missing? Like, umm, armed robbery? Maybe Chick-fil-A was embarrassed about the pepper spray thing.
In any event, if anything is to be learned from this incident, it is this: If you’re going to lead police on a high-speed chase, you should watch out for trees.
Moving on, a 59-year-old man was sitting at a slot machine at Hollywood Casino in Grantville, Pennsylvania, when he realized it was time for a restroom break.
Now, in the old days, when slots used coins, you couldn’t risk hitting the cash-out button for a restroom break, because invariably, the hopper would empty before you were paid, or at the very least, you had to scoop filthy coins into a bucket. (Yes, we did that. And we liked it, by gum!) So, you’d take your slot stool and angle it against the machine, with your drink in the middle of the panel, or ask an attendant to watch your machine, so you could go do your business.
Cash-out tickets mean you don’t have to do that anymore. Just cash out your ticket, go to the restroom, come back, and pick up where you left off.
Or, alternatively, stand up, unzip your fly, and take a leak right there. That’s what this guy in Pennsylvania did last month. And he didn’t just go on the floor. He sprayed like a garden hose over a bank of games. Police say he was “suspected of being intoxicated.”
Ya think?
The story, posted by local TV station WGAL-8, ended with, “Stay with WGAL for updates as we learn more.”
I will stay with WGAL for updates, because, face it, what else can happen?
Finally, a Canadian tourist went to the Flamingo on the Las Vegas Strip, and had what he thought was a great idea: He wanted to get a picture of himself with one of the live flamingoes that wander in a wildlife habitat on the property.
That is, a picture of himself and a live flamingo… in his hotel room. The guy snatched Peachy the Flamingo and carted her to his room, where he took selfies with the bird. Police arrested him in the room, where they found a video of him vowing to take the bird back to Canada with him.
Wow. Here’s hoping Peachy is OK. I’d pay money, though, to watch the sicko in question try to get through customs toting a big, pink bird.
I’m guessing he wouldn’t have made it through TSA at the airport. “Sir, will you be checking your flamingo?”
At least he didn’t use pepper spray.
