Hotels and Hatchet Jobs
This month, our editor-in-chief surveys Christmas hotel suites of questionable taste before turning to a bizarre casino hatchet attack.
Decisions, decisions… Mean Green or Gingerbread Dream?
These are the top “Holiday Suites” at Ocean Casino in Atlantic City, available now through January 3. For the fourth year in a row, Ocean is dedicating an entire floor to Christmas cheer—decorated trees in the rooms, Christmas cookies, piped-in holiday music, the works.
At the top of the list of choices is the “Mean Green Social Suite,” a two-bedroom layout with green accents and a pink-accented connecting room. According to the hotel, it is “an exclusive suite inspired by the most beloved green Christmas Villain of all time,” with a connecting room that “pays tribute to the holiday favorite’s protagonist, Cindy.”
OK, can’t we just say it’s the Grinch and Cindy Lou from How the Grinch Stole Christmas? I guess they wanted to avoid paying fees to Dr. Seuss, and maybe Jim Carrey. In any event, the room is “adorned with endearing pink accents and magical charm. After a stay in this suite, we guarantee your heart will grow three times bigger than before!”
And your bank account will grow three times smaller. It’s $1,131.66 per night. (Why the 66 cents? Can’t we round up to $1,132? Oh, never mind.)
The Gingerbread Dream Suite has a gingerbread-themed living room, a peppermint-inspired primary bedroom, and a connecting room decorated in pastel candy colors. Guests receive hot chocolate and gingerbread cookies on arrival, with family games available during their stay.
That one’s a bargain—only $1,018.04 per night. (I’m not staying there unless they knock off the 4 cents. What if I want to stay 10 days? You’re talking 40 cents. That’s unacceptable.)
Don’t get me wrong. I love the Ocean Hotel. But if I want a holiday Boardwalk stay in Atlantic City, I’ll buy a tin of cookies and a small fake tree, and head for the Capri Boardwalk Motel. (I changed the name to protect the innocent.) According to Yelp, “Very clean, bed uncomfortable and lumpy and gave me a backache! Loud noises, voices and music across the street till early morning!” But hey, rooms start at $71. After a few bourbons and a handful of cookies, I’ll be cheery enough.
Or how about Motel Tangiers at $72 a night? (Not $72.14. I like it already.) “Near the beach and was a good value when it actually looked like in the photos,” says Yelp. “No longer the case. Steady decline over the last few years. Deteriorating premises, increased prices/hidden charges, concerns over security and overall declining value. Reached a new low in 2023 with the addition of a rude, incompetent front desk manager.”
Wow. Security concerns and a surly desk manager with an attitude. “Hark! The herald angels sing…”
The Yelp review continues, “Breakfast is mediocre, water pressure in the room is very low, but rooms are clean.” Yes, nothing warms my heart at Christmas like a bedbug-free room. I understand it also comes with free HBO.
Maybe I’ll look at the Grinch room at Ocean again. Does it come with an actual Grinch? I mean, “Christmas Villain?” That would close the deal for me.
Moving on, nothing says “Peace on Earth” like a hatchet attack.
It says here that a guy pleaded guilty in Australia’s Northern Territory Supreme Court to “aggravated reckless endangerment involving a hatchet” for attacking his girlfriend and security guards at the Lasseters Casino with a hatchet. According to a local news report, “The court found Abbott slammed the woman to the ground, kicked her, and later punched her twice in the head. Abbott then armed himself with a hatchet and pursued her as casino security guards attempted to protect her.”
OK, let’s stop right there. He was kicking and punching, and then “armed himself with a hatchet?” I’ve never been in an Australian casino, but do they have hatchets lying around the slot floors there? Maybe they have them there in case a slot machine catches on fire? Or, maybe they think it’s good customer service to have hatchets available as weapons of opportunity for high rollers:
“Mr. Johnson is one of our best players, McKracken. Make sure there are plenty of hatchets available in case he wants to chase his girlfriend around.”
“You got it, boss!”
The only other thing I have to say in regard to this case: I want to see where in the Northern Territory criminal code it lists the offense “Aggravated Reckless Endangerment Involving a Hatchet.” I’m guessing the penalty is more severe for this offense than “Aggravated Reckless Endangerment Involving a Butcher Knife and/or Tire Iron.”
I’ll stick with the Ocean Hotel in Atlantic City. I’m pretty sure there are no hatchets lying around the Holiday Suites.
It’s so the Grinch doesn’t arm himself.
Sorry, the “Christmas Villain.”
