Casino Crime Watch

You know, sometimes, it’s not easy compiling this monthly menagerie of mirth. While I’m happy to sling wisecracks at a wide range of gaming topics, there are times my research staff can’t come up with a suitable subject.

(In case you’re curious, that’s a research staff of one, including myself.)

But you can always count on casino crime. If one is searching for wisecracks, crime pays—if only because the casino crime stories keep getting weirder. Case in point: A couple of months ago, a woman known on the street as “Tiffany” was charged with armed robbery and grand larceny in connection with a massage.

As the story goes, a man was gambling in a Las Vegas casino at 2:45 a.m. when Tiffany approached him and offered to give him a massage in his hotel room.

Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I’ve been offered a massage while playing slots in the middle of the night, I’d have… well, nothing.

I was approached by a working girl once in Atlantic City, who told me I was the sexiest guy in the casino, and could we go somewhere more private? However, my years of casino and life experience kicked in immediately. Even if I believed that a beautiful woman had a thing for bald, middle-aged fat guys, I scanned the casino floor, and there were at least two guys sexier than me.

So, while I was able to spot this particular scam due to my keen eye for detail, no one ever came up to me in a casino and offered me a massage. But our Las Vegas gambler, who reportedly presented an image of affluence with expensive clothes and a pricey gold watch, said, “Umm… Sure!” and took Tiffany to his room.

According to a police report, the man put his fancy watch into his hotel room safe before the proceedings. After he was sufficiently “massaged,” he decided to take a bath, and left Tiffany alone in the room. While drawing his bath, according to police, he “heard the sound of the safe being opened,” and caught Tiffany massaging his gold watch. According to the victim, she threatened him with a switchblade, then took off with the watch.

Tiffany was eventually tracked down, thanks to surveillance video—she was apparently well-known in casino security circles. But I’m looking at the victim here, and if I was the judge, I’d let Tiffany keep the watch.

Let’s review. A guy accepts a “massage” offer, and takes a strange woman to his hotel room at 3 in the morning. He then announces that he’s putting his watch—it was worth more than $25,000, according to police—in his hotel room safe, which, evidently, he forgot to lock, because as soon as Tiffany was alone, she had no trouble nabbing the timepiece.

I’m guessing the guy had a lot of cash as well. And he goes, “Oh, I’m going in for a bath. Keep an eye on my stuff, OK, young lady?”

And he “heard the sound of the safe being opened?” It was a hotel room safe, in a closet. I’m pretty sure they don’t make noise when they open, and our victim had bath water running anyway. It’s not like Tiffany used dynamite to crack the safe.

Not to condone the crime, but this guy asked for it. Let her keep the watch. Call it a common-sense fine. A should-have-known-

better fee. It reminded me of the time my wife and I were at a bar in

Imperial Palace, and another couple that we were enjoying conversation with invited us to their hotel room to “party.” My first thought was “psychopaths with chainsaws.” I was sure that, had we accepted the invitation, we would have ended up in several garbage bags in a desert landfill.

The same flags should have gone up for our hero in the massage story. Let her keep the watch.

Hey, at least she didn’t kill a dog.

A guy in Michigan did. Right in a casino. According to police, surveillance cameras at the Hollywood Casino Toledo recorded a man strangling his service dog, and then dumping the body on casino property. According to a news report, the guy was arrested “on a charge of prohibitions concerning companion animals.”

Really? Someone had to actually write out in a manual on companion dogs that it is prohibited to strangle the animal to death?

As far as I’m concerned, this piece of crap should be drawn and quartered. Put a steak jacket on the guy and throw him into a pack of pit bulls.

At the very least, introduce him to Tiffany.