This month, we look at the wonderful effects of alcohol on the discerning casino patron. To wit:
The Rivers Casino and Resort in Schenectady, New York, was only open for a few weeks when its first fistfight took place. It was between a man and woman. Or, two women, or a man and two women.
The details are foggy. All I know for sure is a man and two women were arrested, and the man and one of the women are a couple, and details of the incident depend on which participant is asked.
The initial police report said the fight was over a proposed “sex romp.” Police said the people arrested had planned to retire from the casino for a threesome, and a fight broke out when one of them wanted to bring in a fourth.
I hate that. You’re settling in for a nice threesome, and some schmuck wants to horn in and ruin everything.
The woman who is part of the couple—a 50-year-old grandmother—hotly disputes the police claim of a planned tryst. She says the other woman, 28, spoke to her briefly at the steakhouse bar earlier that evening when she and her boyfriend were having drinks, and the woman gave her a card for a modeling agency. Later, she says she got up to go play slots, and she was attacked by three women, one of them the modeling lady. “I stood up at my chair and she bum-rushed us,” she told The Daily Gazette. “She ran in between me and Dmitri, and put her arm around me.”
She said the woman touched her breast while another of the women tried to talk to her boyfriend. (So, I guess it was kind of a threesome.)
Man, people will do just about anything to stay warm in upstate New York, huh?
In any event, the boyfriend was arrested along with the two women for misdemeanor obstruction, because he stood in the way of police when they were trying to watch the girl fight.
I’m kidding. It was when they arrested everybody.
(After they watched the girl fight.)
Moving on, it says here The Who is taking up residency at Caesars Palace this summer for shows at the Colosseum, the first-ever resident rock band at the venue. What’s this world coming to? The Who always played the Hard Rock. It’s where their late bassist John Entwistle croaked in his room, reportedly after a night of speedballs and hookers.
But Caesars Palace? Will Wayne Newton be sitting in? Maybe Celine Dion can join them to belt out her rendition of “Magic Bus.” (Actually, I’d pay to see that.)
They could probably use the help, since it’s
really only half of The Who. The other half’s dead, and the remaining original members, Roger
Daltrey and Pete Townshend, are in their 70s, having failed in their quest to die before they got old.
For you youngsters out there, that’s a lyric from The Who’s “My Generation.” You know, “talkin’ ‘bout my g-g-generation?”
Oh, never mind.
Anyway, even half of The Who at Caesars Palace is making me feel old. I still expect Steve & Eydie or Sinatra to be playing there.
At least it’s not a tribute band. It’s half of the real Who. I hope they play stuff from their new album, Osteoporosis.
Next, Gettysburg businessman David LeVan is trying once again to get a license to open up a casino in the area of the historic Gettysburg National Park and battlefield. It’s the third time LeVan, who in another life was my boss when I worked at Conrail (really), has tried to create a casino near the hallowed ground.
This one is three and a half miles from the battlefield, and surprise! The locals are objecting. The last two tries, in 2005 and 2010, nearly had preservationists gathering pitchforks and getting the burgermeister.
LeVan, like The Who, is in his 70s, and he thinks this might be his last chance at a license. He’s going for the last Pennsylvania racino license, which is still tied up in Lawrence County, where no one has been able to get money to build the racetrack casino planned by, like, around 10 potential operators.
LeVan’s racino, in Freedom Township, would be called Mason-Dixon Downs. The odds of it happening are roughly the same as those faced by Confederate General George Pickett, just down the road, in 1863.
Oh, look it up.
So, how many people are considered too many for group sex, anyway? I just want to avoid upsetting someone in case the situation ever comes up.
Talkin’ ‘bout my g-g-generation…